I've been taking my meds for a few days now. For one week I have been absent from work and I really missed it haha. Yesterday we went out to party in the city and of course I drank no alcohol because it is too dangerous to drink while taking antidepressants. I did not want to risk any fallouts. Going out without drinking is weird but manageable.
I've been looking for a new apartment all week, but haven't found anything great yet. Still, I try to stay positive and optimistic.
The "side" effects of the drug are sleepyness (which I don't really mind since I take them before going to bed anyway) and so far, intense nightmares, but nothing too severe. As for an uplifting effect I did not see any change yet, but I'm patient.
Today I watched through some old photos; I had the idea to buy frames, bedazzle them with cute decoration, print out photos and give them to my family for Christmas. I'm honestly out of ideas when it comes to presents and I'd rather save my money for the upcoming moving. What are you guys' ideas for gifts?
it seems like I only write lj posts whenever I feel really good or really bad. That inconsistency. Oh well...
Some of you might know that during my studies in the summer of '11, I got really overworked, and as a consequence, I became really unhappy. My relationship went downhill, I left my boyfriend and my best friend of that time, Iva, and I became estranged and haven't talked since. Losing her as a friend was to this day the most hurtful thing in my life.
It got better over time, especially when I started my dream job as a concept artist at CipSoft, and for a while I was really happy. I met my current boyfriend, who moved in with me, and despite some bumps in the road, I was really happy.
For a few months now, I haven't felt my best. I worked a lot and fought with my boyfriend a lot. I was sad quite often and worried even more; about the future, about money, about myself, about my partner etc. Although I have a secure job, more money than ever before (I do not earn badly), a loving relationship, a nice home, even a car now, I'm more worried than ever. And so sad, so very often. So I went to the doctor, when it started to influence my work. I got diagnosed with burn out syndrome and depression a few days ago and I'm on light antidepressants now. It's not super bad. I know I will get better, but right now, I feel very helpless and weak. I think it's ridiculous that something like that would happen to me, of all people. For the first time in years, I had the intense wish to move back in with my parents, get back to being a child without responsibilities.
Anywho, now I have to think about a lot of things. At least I try, because life of course doesn't stop and the stress never ends. I have to find a way to cope with it, to regain my ability to concentrate, to love without worry, to live without fear, to do the small everyday things, that now seem so impossible.
I think I also need psychotherapy, but there is no chance of getting an appointment within 6 months, so I'll have to do without that.
I'm going to move out of my appartment soon, and my boyfriend Adnan will not live with me anymore next year. I don't know if we are going to break up, but we probably cannot get past this situation. Although none of us did anything wrong and we love each other deeply, we drift apart because of our individual problems and our mutual inability to help each other.
Dancing keeps me sane, and so does painting. The one thing I wish for more than anything, is to have a friend here to talk to, but I have not found anybody here yet. I live in Regensburg for almost two years now, but making friends is hard. But I try my best to get better.
Anway, I try to keep you, whoever still reads this dead journal, updated, okay? :) Thanks for reading guys!
Oh well, I know I never post any journal entries anymore... but still, I love to do this review, if only for myself.( Summary of 2012Collapse )
So, here's to 2012!
I didn't make any real big resolutions, but I wanted to play more videogames and draw more. Both worked out very well. For 2013, I really want to start dancing more. Play more great games, make great games, create things.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, fortunately not.
5. What countries did you visit?
Austria, Germany, Singapore, Croatia.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
More sports/dancing, more creativity, more scientific research.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
23.01.2012: Oral Master Exam
24.02.2012: Radio Interview
29.02.2012: Moved to Regensburg
01.03.2012: First day at CipSoft
6.6.2012: First time I met my boyfriend Adnan
6.7.2012: Graduation party
7.7.2012 - 8.7.2012: Urban Art Forms Festival
11.8.2012 - 17.8.2012: Vacation in Croatia
23.11.2012 - 4.12.2012: Traveled to Singapore for Siggraph Asia Conference
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Master of Arts title, getting a great job, meeting my boyfriend
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being clear enough about my (lack of) feelings for a person and thus hurting them, the cancellation of a work project
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I hurt my leg during a full split and couldn't dance properly for a while. Also, I was sick a lot around the year, cought a cold here and there etc. That sucked!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
PlayStation 3, furniture for my flat, iPhone4S
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Adnan's, for he changed to be a better man. For himself, but also for me.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? worried?
My brother's, kind of. But he will be his old self soon again, I guess. My friend Tom's, who was hurt deeply by me, but still was too much of an asshole about it. Also, my boyfriend's mother, who's a biatch.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Flat, Singapore. :)
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
First day of work, Siggraph Asia in Singapore, 2NE1 live concert.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Carly Rae Jepson ‘Call me Maybe’ 2NE1's ‘I love you’.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? ame
iii. richer or poorer? efinitely richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Creative work (private), dancing, travelling.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Procrastinating. Spending time with people I actually don't like that much.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my boyfriend and close family, eating TONS of food and drinking, getting lovely presents and gifting a lot. Going out for drinks.
22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
23. How many one-night stands?
A few which I'm not proud of. But still, I realized that a committed relationship is A LOT better.
24. What was your favourite TV programme?
‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and ‘New Girl’. Als ‘Game of Thrones'
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not really hate, just looking down on some people who lost my respect.
26. What was the best book you read?
‘Hunger Games’ and ‘Gerald's Game’.
27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?
Taylor Swift & IAMX
28. What did you want and get?
My Masters title, a cute little flat, a boyfriend
29. What did you want and not get?
A new computer, a TV, a tattoo
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
‘The Hunger Games’, 'The Avengers'
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent the day at work. Got an awesome carpet from my coworkers! Went to a vegetarian restaurant with friends and boyfriend in the evening. I turned 25!
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Making a short movie or indie game privately
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Geek shirts, jeans, comfortable and fun. I love that I don't have to emphasize my personality by dressing a certain way. I'm just myself and dress as I want.
34. What kept you sane?
Work, my family
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
2NE1, all actors from The Avengers and The Hunger Games
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Shooting at Newtown, Connecticut. The rape of a yound woman in India which sparked an intense discussion about feminism and women rights.
37. Who did you miss?
My family, my cat, some of my university collegues
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Adnan, my boyfriend. My coworkers :)
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
You don't have to choose between a career or private life - when you have the right job, love what you do and meet the right person, you can easily have both and a fulfilling life.
Money is not everything, but it makes life easier.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Black clouds are behind meI now can see aheadOften I wonder why I tryHoping for an endSorrow weighs my shoulders downAnd trouble haunts my mindBut I know the present will not lastAnd tomorrow will be kinderTomorrow will be kinderIt’s true, I’ve seen it beforeA brighter day is coming my wayYes, tomorrow will be kinder“
this is the continuation of my old journal princess_pipi
. I'm currently on the verge of a new life chapter, so I decided to change to a new account and a whole new type of diary.I will mostly write about:+ my studies and university life (Multi Media Art course)
+ my work as Lead Artist at a gaming company
+ my various
stupid creative projects
+ my hobbies: reading, dancing, shopping, music, partying
+ fashion (everything from japanese underground to haute couture)
+ my crazy unfulfilling love life and stupid affairs
+ from time to time: diet, sports and healthy living :)
Please feel free to add me as a friend if you are interested to read about all that stuff.
Read you soon!
- Music:David Guetta - Titanium